Monday, 18 November 2013

"Turn! Turn! Turn!" - The Byrds

The beast is back.

The cycle has started anew.

Is it pessimistic to call it a cycle?

I suppose I'm always expecting to end up here, back in the gloom of it. The change is so noticeable to me because of how I felt before. The thoughts are distressing because they are no longer 'the norm'.

I want to hurt myself.

I want to throw things, scream, cry, mutilate but I won't. I can't.

I haven't cut in over six months, I haven't abused money, found solace with a plethora of men, drank my pain or done any other damaging 'coping mechanism' that I used to do. What would be the point in learning these new skills if I can't practice them when I need them the most? It's hard, very hard. But nothing worth having is easy or simple.

I have spent the last year trying to unlearn twenty-seven years of mental abuse, mental conflict and guilt. I'm impatient at my progress, thinking I should be better than this by now, then that leads to more guilt, more shame. It's vicious, I'm vicious, I couldn't even begin to judge someone else even half as harshly as I judge myself, there is no way I could ever live up to my own impossible standards.

One day at a time, just get through one day at a time.

Don't ever give up.

Be too stubborn to give up. 

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