tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60170675237083820792012-03-10T23:35:07.513ZDiary of a DepressiveApparently, I'm the good kind of crazy...Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-24570948709002203412012-03-08T16:28:00.001Z2012-03-08T16:28:58.460Z2012-03-08T16:28:58.460ZA Tale Of Two Ciggies<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xVAHRWgRMrk/T1jeCZzBxoI/AAAAAAAAAQs/dCwqGd7mfAU/s1600/cigarette-cemetry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xVAHRWgRMrk/T1jeCZzBxoI/AAAAAAAAAQs/dCwqGd7mfAU/s320/cigarette-cemetry.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This is the story of Garette.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">He was carelessly traded by his smoker to another, on a
whim. His new smoker nestled him in her green cage containing others that had
not yet fulfilled their purpose. They all seemed to get on well although these
new ‘friends’ had a peculiar smell, he was just happy of the company. They
laughed and joked about the ‘great fire’ and placed bets on who would be next expended. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It wasn’t long before the smoker selected the next candidate. As the cage
opened, they saw for the first time how different they were to each other.
Garette gasped at the uniformed rows of tall soldiers, much taller than he.
They all wore white helmets adorned with a mint green slogan. He wore a brown
helmet with a red slogan. Before he could think further than this, he realised
they had seen how different he was too. They began mocking and heckling him.
Even as their numbers dwindled, he still bore the brunt of their abuse and made
a pact to himself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">“I swear to the ‘great fire’, when I am selected, I will not
perform my duty to the best of my ability but instead I shall spark and spit
and burn you all to the ground. None shall fulfil his expectancy. I shall show
you all”.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">He had fully expected to be picked last as he was sure the
smoker was as prejudiced as the caged soldiers. To his surprise, there were at
least four cadets eagerly awaiting their fate when he was elected. True to his
word, he spat and sparked so much that he witnessed the birth of a small rutilant
flicker that grew and grew; consuming the smoker and eventually engulfing the
green cage where he had been vilified so much. Moments before his exsanguination,
he looked around him in cessation. He had done all he’d said. He had murdered them
all.</span> <o:p></o:p></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-2457094870900220341?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-32205716048246665432012-03-03T20:23:00.000Z2012-03-08T16:28:43.391Z2012-03-08T16:28:43.391ZThe Realness Of Idealness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vk30qiIp8CI/T1PIhvZ-5zI/AAAAAAAAAQc/VGTKfH3dSOg/s1600/smile-frown-380x285.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vk30qiIp8CI/T1PIhvZ-5zI/AAAAAAAAAQc/VGTKfH3dSOg/s320/smile-frown-380x285.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Today would have usually been hell for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I had to set my alarm and unnaturally wake up which always
fills me with a sense of dread and despair (probably from my monotonous working
days), to go to the hairdressers. Although, I will admit, waking up to a loud
noise isn’t so bad if it’s for a treat. I walked the five minutes to the
hairdressers (which killed me as I haven’t been out of the house in over a week)
and waited to be seen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Once my name was called, I was enlivened to feel ‘new’ again
as throughout my life, whenever I have felt like sacking it all in, I take a
leaf out of Madonna’s book and reinvent myself. This never lasts long as the
old, pessimistic me comes back to haunt me like an ugly ghost, tethered to my
psyche. None the less, it has been keeping me alive this long. So to say I was excited, is now too obvious. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I sat in the smooth, black chair and explained exactly what
I wanted. I showed the hairdresser a picture I had made on one of those
makeover sites (where you put different hairstyles on); it was an edgy bob in
the same colour as my hair to avoid (so I thought) any confusion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Here is how it went:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me – “I want an edgy bob, just like this one, with layers
because I like a lot of volume. Can you do that?”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Hairdresser – “Do you want it black? Because your hair is
already black.”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me – “Yes, I am aware of that (you half wit), I just want
the bob please.”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">HD – “Yes, ok then. Shall we book you in?”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I had assumed I was already booked in as I had asked for a
consultation and then a haircut if she could do the style I wanted (because who
would wait?). Apparently this wasn’t the case. How nice. So after the five
minute walk, the five minute wait and the fifty second conversation with the
most perceptive and charming woman in the world, I left feeling angry and deflated.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">For ‘normal’ people, this would have been annoying or a
little set back, for me…this made me regret waking up at all. I was seething
all the way home, cursing being alive, cursing ever leaving the house and
vowing never to do it again. You may think I am a drama queen, but having
severe depression, a ‘set back’ like this can have me reeling for days and
maybe longer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">In the hopes of reinventing, a couple of days ago I went on
a mini spree (online of course) and bought some new makeup and nail varnishes.
The makeup came this morning, just before I set off to the hairdressers. I was
excited to try it out and wear some for that day (for the extra confidence
boost) but when I opened it, it was all wrong. The colours were completely
different and it just wasn’t what I was expecting so that had already set my
morning off badly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">However…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Despite all of this happening (and the many other little
things that went wrong today) I am not reeling. I am over it. This could be
attributed to many factors, my medication being increased a couple of weeks
ago, the support of my friend, finally starting to recover or it could be a mix
of all three. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Whatever the reason is, I am grateful as for once, I am not a
raging ball of pent up aggression and disappointment. For tonight, I am
peaceful, I simply do not care. Needless to say, when I do finally leave the
house again to get my haircut, I shall not be going back there. </span><o:p></o:p></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-3220571604824666543?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-26959096271864469832012-02-23T22:41:00.000Z2012-02-23T22:41:02.755Z2012-02-23T22:41:02.755ZThe Insane Vs The Mental Health Team<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am appalled by the state of the mental health system in
Yorkshire, specifically Kirklees. I am disgusted with the apathetic doctors and
the inappropriate demeanour of the mental health nurses who work for The Mental Health Team. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My dear friend suffers with Asperger’s. For those of you who
don’t know what that is, basically it is a high functioning form of autism. She
also suffers from severe depression and anxiety. She needs her routines, she
has poor to no eye contact and talking to people she doesn’t know is almost
impossible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Lately she needed to have her antidepressants changed, for
anyone suffering with severe depression and on medication will know that this
needs to happen when the pills you are taking aren’t working, you get used to
them or the side effects outweigh the benefits. It can be a very stressful time
to someone who is suffering as there is almost always a noticeable change in
your mood and/or thought process while the other pills are coming out of your
system and the new ones are taking effect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She went to see a doctor we do not usually go to as he is
generally unsympathetic and rather rude. She was desperate. She explained to
him that she was overly suicidal, irrationally angry and at a greater risk of
harming herself on these pills. He reluctantly changed them after lecturing her
about getting better quicker. This is not what outraged me, unfortunately in
both our experiences, this is the norm. It seems to be the understanding
doctors that are few and far between these days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It was what followed me that outraged me. A few days later,
she returned to the doctors for her top up of pain killers (for various
ailments including arthritis) and after being lectured about taking them and
being told to drink water instead as it will cure everything including her
depression (!) she looked at the notes the previous doctor had put. They were
as follows:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">“She displays no signs of suicide, has good eye contact and
generally has good rapport”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Now, I was not there but I know (having Asperger’s) she cannot
lie. He was not only out rightly lying about her suicidal thoughts but in the
mood she was in as well as not liking him, I know for a fact her eye contact
would have been worse than poor. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I wish I could say this was the only way she has been failed
by seemingly trained professionals, not only in her life but just this week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She had recently been contacted by The Mental Health Team
for her second time; the nurse who spoke to her was pressuring her to go in for
another assessment. She couldn’t get there by herself and so asked for a home
visit. I was in the room when this conversation took place. He told her to get
her priorities in order and basically threatened her to go in otherwise she
wouldn’t be seen. She was so upset by the time she got off the phone, she
couldn’t speak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Outraged, I called him and demanded to know exactly what he
had said to upset her. I was met with an appalling attitude coupled with “I
don’t think that’s any of your business” and “I am not prepared to answer any
more questions”. I was not asking for any personal details or any information
that could have even sounded confidential. He simply refused to talk to me and
said he would not apologise for his manner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">The matter was passed on to my friends’ mother, as I was not
being taken seriously. She informed me that he apologised to her and said he
was simply in a bad mood. He then arranged a home visit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Being Miss Manners and not wanting to hold a grudge, I
welcomed him in to my home so he could assess my friend. She was understandably
upset and therefore displayed very guarded body language (looking at the floor,
folded arms and shaking legs) but I prompted her to answer as many questions as
she could and I filled in the gaps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I thought it was going as well as it could possibly go until
he said “I don’t know if there is anything I can do as she clearly doesn’t want
me here” in the most vindictive way, like a child who had been cast out. I was
astounded. I politely informed him that she is like this with any new person
due to the concoction of ‘issues’ she has and that he should not take it
personally. He childishly interrupted me with “I’m not!” Yes, it sounds like
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am simply shocked that any of this behaviour was allowed
to happen. He is in a position where he is supposed to display empathy and
rational behaviour at all times…am I incorrect in thinking this? I know they
are human too and have ‘bad’ days but surely in this crucial position, you need
to display a level head and an understanding nature?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Both she and I are being failed on every conceivable level
in regards to out mental health. This is the entire reason I have the knowledge
and insight in to my own condition as if I relied solely on the
‘professionals’, I have no doubt, whatsoever, that I would have committed
suicide by now. </span><i><o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-2695909627186446983?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-4284142561666842962012-02-05T15:39:00.000Z2012-02-05T15:39:06.599Z2012-02-05T15:39:06.599ZSimplistic Lies<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CbOGclA0vCc/Ty6iSBt29ZI/AAAAAAAAAKY/5dgOZmTkP_I/s1600/Lies+and+Truth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="252" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CbOGclA0vCc/Ty6iSBt29ZI/AAAAAAAAAKY/5dgOZmTkP_I/s400/Lies+and+Truth.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I remember being around nine when I had my first definitive
suicidal thought, though it started much earlier than that. A diary entry from
my prepubescent mind aged around ten depicts a story of a lonely, sombre child.
Alone in the playground with only her thoughts for company. Thoughts of horror,
thoughts of death. Deep and fascinating thoughts no child should subject
themselves to. These thoughts started with the most innocent of lies a mother
tells. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I have habits, habits pigeonholed as bad. I stress bite my
lip, just the lower, chew until I draw blood. The lie I remember imparted about
this particular habit was as follows: - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">“The bits of lip-flesh you tear off and accidentally swallow
will find their way in to your arteries, clog up your heart and you will die.”</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This provoked a deep inner monologue, a story of the rogue
lip-flesh somehow finding its way through the lining of my stomach and rattling
around in my body until it finds an artery to invade and kill me. A story with
images, narrative and motive. An imaginative child. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This lie, this lie to scare and prevent, to postpone and
deter. Did it? No, I am still a stress biter. This habit did not begin so
young, I was around twelve when this apparently deadly habit took control of my
mouth and my mind. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">A possibly more serious and unpleasant habit took hold of me
from an earlier age. This habit, this vagrancy came out of the blue. No one
knew why, not even myself. It held me like a drug, I would tweak for my next
hit if we had been kept apart. It was my delight, it was my addiction. It was
vinegar. Straight from the bottle, sucking as a baby would from a bottle of
milk. My mother hid it, I found it. I sought it. She put it out of reach; I
would perform acrobatics to get it. What was my mother to do? She concocted
another lie, possibly the first ridiculous lie my mother told me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This lie, this lie so bold, so ridiculous, I believed. I
believed this lie, this brazen distortion of the truth because my mother was my
vessel of information. She had no reason to lie…so I thought. This lie was as
follows: -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">“If you carry on drinking vinegar, it will dry up your
blood!” </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This liquid, this deadly, sharp flavoured water, this
masquerade of toxins to be enjoyed over chips…will kill me? Not just kill me
but indeed enable the blood in my veins to evaporate leaving hollow tunnels
under my skin leading to my death.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This absurd lie, that I believed, this first catalytic lie
to scare and prevent, to postpone and deter. Did it? No. I drank as my stomach
allowed. I drank until every bud on my tongue was raw. I drank in secret.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">A few weeks passed and to my shock, no sign of death
emerged. No sign of my liquid life mysteriously disappearing from my veins. I
was pensive. Was what my mother informed me of, a lie? The conclusion I had
reached saddened me. Not because my mother had lied about my fluid bottle of
heaven but because her omen was in fact untrue. I was not dying. It occurred to
me, rather strangely that I was melancholy about this. I was actually upset
that I was not slipping away; I was not going to die. I fear that this is where
it all began…</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-428414256166684296?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-59549070962175993612012-02-05T14:59:00.001Z2012-02-05T14:59:57.682Z2012-02-05T14:59:57.682ZThis Razor Blade Tastes Like Cupcakes.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">This is my Karma<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am a bad person<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am selfish<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am pathetic</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am weak</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am bossy<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am expectant</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am corrupt</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am naive<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am not hopeful<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am death<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of friendships<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of relationships<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of morals<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of consequences<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of freedom<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of innocence<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Death of life<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It is all on me<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It is my entire fault<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It is what I deserve<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It is what I have created<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It is what has killed me<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It has killed me<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">There is no going back<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am death<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am the end<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I choose nothing<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am sorry.</span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-5954907096217599361?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-88894219369792387342012-01-25T22:07:00.002Z2012-02-05T15:02:52.239Z2012-02-05T15:02:52.239Z42 Just Isn't Enough!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fuBM0WU9xeE/TyB70xCF1CI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/qwnk4nasVa0/s1600/Flower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fuBM0WU9xeE/TyB70xCF1CI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/qwnk4nasVa0/s320/Flower.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">We are told so much in our lives, school,
parents, friends, they all have their evaluation on life, although living someone else’s
evaluations seems to do no good to anyone. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I don’t understand what the point
actually is, are we all here simply as a
race surviving, economy, politics all inventions of the mind? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Are we just
evolved animals making our way, evolving a better race until we're wiped out
again or is there a truly higher conscious? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Do we have purpose, is the world
nurturing us into what we should be, knowing we need be something better, more
important?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But what’s important? What society tells us, doctors, scientists,
musicians or is it the mothers of the world giving new life, the farmers
replanting life to sustain us?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Could we possibly just aspire to be
happy? What actually is true happiness, is it a god we will never see,
experience? Do people have it? Do they know they have it, what does it feel
like? I wonder if it has a colour...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Why are the most tortured people the most creative? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">If we are a part of a
higher consciousness then why are we tormented with the feeling we should
be fulfilling something more and yet not being helped to achieve it? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">All the questions of the
universe are frequently asked but rarely answered. But if they were, would we
accept them?</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-8889421936979238734?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-4718460294478317952012-01-24T18:47:00.000Z2012-02-05T15:02:32.821Z2012-02-05T15:02:32.821ZLet’s Begin On a Lighter Note…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Today I would like to talk about eyebrows. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-R9P-irZDzj0/Tx7zqm4vWvI/AAAAAAAAAJY/O6q6_Ba_Zrs/s1600/eyebrows4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-R9P-irZDzj0/Tx7zqm4vWvI/AAAAAAAAAJY/O6q6_Ba_Zrs/s1600/eyebrows4.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I have a slight obsession with them. They can make or break
a face, frame or fracture it. It may seem insignificant to you but without even
realising it, eyebrows can instantly make you distrust someone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ya_0294oGkw/Tx70jhMkb8I/AAAAAAAAAJw/_NOHkawPJdM/s1600/tumblr_lt464bl67K1r4nu8fo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ya_0294oGkw/Tx70jhMkb8I/AAAAAAAAAJw/_NOHkawPJdM/s320/tumblr_lt464bl67K1r4nu8fo1_500.jpg" width="223" /></span></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GPFwBAA9nu0/Tx7yElkhAFI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/g8uF7FPYrBw/s1600/worst-eyebrows-04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GPFwBAA9nu0/Tx7yElkhAFI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/g8uF7FPYrBw/s320/worst-eyebrows-04.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, I have been striving for the perfect brow for quite
some time (at the moment I would just be happy if they were the same shape!)
and maybe I will achieve it in my thirties (as my twenties aren’t looking
hopeful). In this era, eyebrows are slated if not perfect and I am almost
positive this is the reason my interest grew in to an insane obsession. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--ZcnFbhRIqs/Tx70isYMcCI/AAAAAAAAAJg/ygF-SFJ3uR4/s1600/dita-smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--ZcnFbhRIqs/Tx70isYMcCI/AAAAAAAAAJg/ygF-SFJ3uR4/s320/dita-smile.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Dita Von Teese</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bvrXBNaCRXM/Tx70iylYbOI/AAAAAAAAAJk/y8bZ9Wo7u7E/s1600/eyebrows.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bvrXBNaCRXM/Tx70iylYbOI/AAAAAAAAAJk/y8bZ9Wo7u7E/s320/eyebrows.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Gwen Stefani</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But, I have been flicking through some pictures of
yesteryear starlets and although at first glance, they look polished to
perfection, upon closer inspection their eyebrows are not the same shape (as
each other) either!</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cKEUbXlCGeo/Tx725zf6vKI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/w0yRoJe0_Gc/s1600/Marilyn-Monroe-photo2-big3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cKEUbXlCGeo/Tx725zf6vKI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/w0yRoJe0_Gc/s400/Marilyn-Monroe-photo2-big3.png" width="350" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Marilyn Monroe</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9OpDqDk1cPQ/Tx726REymnI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/lMgdplAAOuM/s1600/sjff_03_img1130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9OpDqDk1cPQ/Tx726REymnI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/lMgdplAAOuM/s1600/sjff_03_img1130.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Rita Hayworth</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Although this made me feel slightly better about my misshapen
eye fur, my obsession will not die so easily. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I do loathe myself for judging people on their eyebrows (as
I hate to be judged by mine) but I can’t help myself making a snap judgement. I expect I should include a picture of my own for scrutiny...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6zRlL-wGE8/Tx772CJVWwI/AAAAAAAAAKI/WWN6rAy_-RI/s1600/revam.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="95" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6zRlL-wGE8/Tx772CJVWwI/AAAAAAAAAKI/WWN6rAy_-RI/s320/revam.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Am I an eyebrow Nazi? Are there others out there? I
surely can’t be alone in this… (those with no strong opinions need not apply)</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-471846029447831795?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-5207256671546547482012-01-24T13:53:00.002Z2012-01-24T17:23:27.860Z2012-01-24T17:23:27.860ZNew Beginnings<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Okay, so initially I had no idea what this blog would be. I
think it started out as a place to air my written ramblings but then it somewhat
spiralled into promoting my online store. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">A few things you should know about me:-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am an ‘ideas’ girl. I have (what I think are) fine ideas
coupled with honourable intentions yet I’m rather egregious with the follow
through.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My memory is less functional than a cock flavoured
lollypop. Even if I intend this blog to
be anything more than it already is, it possibly won’t be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So, all this being said, I fully intend to retrograde this
blog in to what most have started out as, a self-indulgent page of word vomit. Now, if I can happily delude myself in to believing someone will actually read this thing then we are away...</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-520725667154654748?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-56353697642879004152011-05-02T13:36:00.000+01:002011-05-02T13:36:08.140+01:002011-05-02T13:36:08.140+01:00The Monday Movie post is up!Go have a little look if you like films. <br />
<br />
http://mondaymoviematinee.blogspot.com/<br />
<br />
Leave a comment or just look around.<br />
<br />
xxx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-5635369764287900415?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-90261766283465760182011-04-27T14:38:00.000+01:002012-02-05T15:02:04.142Z2012-02-05T15:02:04.142ZStop The World! I Want To Get Off...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--IkVeWB4T_c/TbgcMl6qxdI/AAAAAAAAAH0/zkQMdRHEejs/s1600/174414041_ad64b1e214.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207px" i8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--IkVeWB4T_c/TbgcMl6qxdI/AAAAAAAAAH0/zkQMdRHEejs/s320/174414041_ad64b1e214.jpg" width="320px" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Again I'm feeling unwell, what’s new? I’m asking myself, begging to feel different. I have been feeling for a long time, that I have lost my passion for everything. I used to be so full emotion and what ever I felt was personified by passion. Now I’m just unresponsive, apathetic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I feel like I am diminishing, sinking deeper and deeper in to the bed, so low the floor can be felt and is bowing with the weight I carry on my shoulders. HOW when I have not seen anyone or been anywhere can I feel so troubled? Physically I am fragile, mentally I am not, maybe this will be my disgrace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">As I’m watching my life go by, days unnoticed, weeks uncounted, I turn my attention to the cars that glide by outside my window. Full of dreams being dreamt, wishes being wished and I have only my own thoughts to argue with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I feel I have so many different people inside my head, I fear being alone because I might lose myself inside my crazy. I constantly have to focus on something else, to distract myself. I can’t cope with my own mental state and I fear it’s becoming more noticeable. TV is an expected tool for escapism and when I’m with my friends all I want to do is talk, tell them about the voices, the conversations, the confusion, the panic. I want them to make it ok, something I will never be. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am projectile vomiting molten crazy over everything and don’t believe I will ever be able to function socially again.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-9026176628346576018?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-30512572367110731882011-04-21T20:57:00.000+01:002011-04-21T20:57:51.188+01:002011-04-21T20:57:51.188+01:00Just a quick update...Here is something else I have been working on, I have got the blog-bug bad and useless talent no.37 is having something to say about movies...<br />
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<a href="http://mondaymoviematinee.blogspot.com/">http://mondaymoviematinee.blogspot.com/</a><br />
<br />
Have a look around, it is by meee so leave a comment. XoXo<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-3051257236711073188?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-77780695427452019402011-03-19T13:05:00.000Z2011-03-19T13:05:00.385Z2011-03-19T13:05:00.385ZMy Kitties...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-45O7TR9iJfk/TYSpGsdyTcI/AAAAAAAAADY/l37UddhHK50/s1600/Missy+20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-45O7TR9iJfk/TYSpGsdyTcI/AAAAAAAAADY/l37UddhHK50/s320/Missy+20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Mischief<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yl1aAjwd8iw/TYSpa0FBXWI/AAAAAAAAADc/cfKoJ0ms-tU/s1600/Polly+02.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yl1aAjwd8iw/TYSpa0FBXWI/AAAAAAAAADc/cfKoJ0ms-tU/s320/Polly+02.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Poltergeist<br />
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-bdOGGRGnnl0/TYSp5gYlBTI/AAAAAAAAADg/JMjVyFjOC_o/s1600/100_2432.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-bdOGGRGnnl0/TYSp5gYlBTI/AAAAAAAAADg/JMjVyFjOC_o/s320/100_2432.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Jinx<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-7778069542745201940?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-91584890849571741712011-03-18T12:53:00.003Z2012-01-24T17:15:37.378Z2012-01-24T17:15:37.378ZThe Tongue...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-NwnS59ZiK-s/TYNVysbgUfI/AAAAAAAAADU/mJmCbCr8_vw/s1600/sharp-tongue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-NwnS59ZiK-s/TYNVysbgUfI/AAAAAAAAADU/mJmCbCr8_vw/s320/sharp-tongue.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It falls out my mouth, there is no control when it happens. The sound lashing my tongue dishes out to my poor unsuspecting love. The war it wages against humanity like it has a life of its own. My tongue hates humanity, society and all things cute. When it happens, I become the vessel of my apathetic, raging tongue. It lacerates him and me. It is out of control. It tells him he isn’t right and nothing he does is good enough. It tells them that they are pathetic and wrong. It hurts them all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I fear if my tongue ever manages to break free of my mouth then torment would reign and I would lose everything dear to me. I have tried biting it and swallowing it and all I can to stop the urge my tongue has to be vengeful. It knows my deepest, inner most hurtful hated thoughts and decides that if I cannot bring myself to realise or say them then it will. And because this bottled up potion of hatred and despondency festers in my mind, the concoction has become pure venom, concentrated, undiluted venom that juices up my lurid tongue in to a grotesque frenzy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My mind has no time to react to my tongues poison and the damage control my poor mind has to accomplish in the aftermath of my destructive muscle of speech, is too much to bear. My mind is telling me that I need to take control, I need to soften my words, my tongue and mind in battle for the win. As my mind has no vessel of speech other than my outlandish tongue and the venomous prong seemingly has its own persona then the battle has an inevitable conclusion. The poison spews. The venom spits. I have failed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It wriggles in my mouth like a worm in the moist, post rain earth and pokes its way tentatively to the surface to scout out its next victim. The line of fire, who can I destroy next? Who can I make feel as lowly and putrid as me? Who can I asphyxiate</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> emotionally, even for the shortest while? And it's all in the eyes, you can see the knives slitting them open with every word it barks and my mind sees and it feels pity and pain. My mind wants it to stop, to love and to nurture but my tongue thrives, my tongue feels this pain and aguish and it fuels it. It fuels my selfish irresponsible tongue. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I feel the smoke from my cigarette roll over my disingenuous tongue and appease it, calm like the tongue should be. It rolls over in waves of soothing tranquillity to subdue the tongue. My mind gains control, slowly like a snake stalking its pray and waits to pounce when it calms. Ready to apologise, ready to control the uncaged beast and set everything right until I take my eye off the ball and the tongue reigns free again...</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-9158489084957174171?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-52686941838120926922011-03-17T14:27:00.001Z2012-01-24T16:54:24.262Z2012-01-24T16:54:24.262ZR.I.P Maybelle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5BGdFCEiMeE/TYIbSruqWUI/AAAAAAAAADE/Dr-0MlxCofk/s1600/086.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5BGdFCEiMeE/TYIbSruqWUI/AAAAAAAAADE/Dr-0MlxCofk/s320/086.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My dog is crazy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She barks at the TV</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She is so convinced their woofs are real</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Her eyes, they plead with me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She wants me to let her at them</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She barks and growls and huffs</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She’s not all that distracting</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">With her tiny pathetic woofs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I love her dearly regardless</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Though people say she ugly</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">"That’s never been a dog" they cry</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But she’s my darling little puggly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Pugs are bread for beauty</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She looks like a little seal</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Her big brown eyes and loving gaze</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My affection they did steal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She squeals when she breathes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She grumbles in her sleep</span><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My friends are convinced she's possessed</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">When she chases her own feet.</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But I still love my dog</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She is mine and I am hers</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Change her a little, I would not</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She’s my beautiful crazy curse.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-5268694183812092692?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-14301890704507281012011-03-16T20:56:00.001Z2012-02-15T15:20:13.248Z2012-02-15T15:20:13.248ZBejewelled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-89OwNfjny5Q/TYIb4Oug-yI/AAAAAAAAADI/iuPwQP7ggAU/s1600/jewels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" r6="true" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-89OwNfjny5Q/TYIb4Oug-yI/AAAAAAAAADI/iuPwQP7ggAU/s200/jewels.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Her face flashes before me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My eyes turn to jade</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Her golden hair</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Her pearly skin</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My mind she has betrayed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So I take my stripe of silver</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">And slide it along my moonstone thigh</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I watch the rubies spill all over</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Through the diamonds pouring from my eyes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My onyx hair hugs my face</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">And I let out a breathy sigh</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">All my jealousy, all my hate</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Is crawling down my thigh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Elation fills my crystal head</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My eyes turn sapphire once more</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I bandage my tear in coral stripes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">And clean up my jewels with opal wipes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">And wait until the next time to pour.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-1430189070450728101?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6017067523708382079.post-46663152017586095162009-06-08T22:45:00.002+01:002012-02-05T15:01:17.104Z2012-02-05T15:01:17.104ZFrizz Is Not To Be Trusted!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-965_DR1If_k/TYIdWhTPFKI/AAAAAAAAADQ/zDK0IgDJp5s/s1600/big-frizzy-hair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-965_DR1If_k/TYIdWhTPFKI/AAAAAAAAADQ/zDK0IgDJp5s/s1600/big-frizzy-hair.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My astonishing therapist, whom I am forced to be seated adjacent so she can speculate and scrutinize me inadequately, calls me a child. Her feeble attempt to even remember the names of my ‘support network’ or otherwise family, tells me she has been in the job too long. I find myself drifting into an unconscious state of judgement at her attire in every one of our ‘sessions’. How can I take advice/criticism or aid from someone who does not even know the basic fashion faux pas? I’m not saying this is paramount but as a person in a certain position I would expect her to inspire and invoke. Unfortunately she only conjures the thought of frizzy hair and ghastly dress sense. Typical.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I am being rerouted to another therapist as soon as possible, fortunately frizzy was only temporary however I am certain it is because the others have found out how inconceivably unaware she is.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She often glances to the picture of her daughter on the desk when we meet, pretty, young, blonde and probably suffocated by her intrepid protector. Her office looks barely lived in, like she tried to make it personal but failed in every way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Syringes and forceps lie in bated breath on the steely furniture that surrounds. She goes to converse with my doctor, she is gone 20 minutes. I contemplate invading her privacy while she is gone, to try and abrade a more exciting picture of this poignant woman, unfortunately manners better me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Therapist: "Well now,</span><span style="font-size: large;"> I’m not so sure you want to get better as you don’t seem to be doing any of the exercise’s we talked about, do you understand?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me: "That’s because they haven’t worked so far, I have tried."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">(Am I supposed to feel like a failure in therapy?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">T: "I know you think I'm being hard on you but this is our fourth session and I feel I've gotten to know you pretty well, so I think I can be frank when I say you have to climb that ladder out of the hole. Now you will fall… but it gets easier every time. Do you understand?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me: "Technically you have known me for three hours and fifteen minutes." (I need to be polite) "I don’t have a ladder."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">T: "A rope then, do you understand?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me: (Nodding politely) "I don’t have a rope."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">T: "Well that flew by didn’t it, I will make an appointment for next week. We have made progress today, do you understand?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me: "Have we? Lovely." (Your hair is out of control and that skirt is too small for you)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">T: "Yes, you are wearing a lovely bright red coat, what made you pick that one out of all the others if you’re not feeling better, do you understand?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Me: "It’s cold outside and this is the only one I have that buttons all the way up." (Crack head)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">T: "Oh, well see you next week."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Why do I bother? I am sincerely trying to find an answer to this question. Everyone keeps telling me, politely as they may, they want me to be normal again. I reiterate my question.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Was I even normal before? I don’t even know who I was then and was there ever a ‘then’? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Go back to a place when you were happy. The sickening thing is, this is probably the happiest I've ever been.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/6017067523708382079-4666315201758609516?l=loquacious-fleur.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Fleur De Lishttps://profiles.google.com/117774335278814416317noreply@blogger.com1