Friday, 20 April 2012

All I Need Is Pain

One of the many reasons why I will never be happy is because I will never be one of the numerous women I envy. I have to work extra hard to look effortlessly cool, even if it’s for the shortest while. I crave the kind of love reserved for great novels but know I could not handle it or be worthy of it. I want a great many things but cannot put the work in to get them.

I have this ideal in my head; the woman I am supposed to be. A woman who is as far from my birthright as possible.  Do not mistake me, I am not ashamed of my birthright, it just doesn’t seem to be me. I don’t fit in anywhere, even in the places I should. I am not comfortable with myself. I can however look in the mirror for over ten minutes but that is mainly due to my underlining narcissism.

This woman is surface perfect, she is strong and mature. She has impeccable manners and is incredibly intelligent, she is graceful and elegant. Underneath she has fire; she is cunning and a master manipulator when called upon. Her appearance is flawless and she rarely makes mistakes but when she does, she handles them with effortless charm. This is the woman I aspire to be. I am none of these things.

If I could just get out of my own head, I might have a shot at being her. If I could just stop being depressed, I might be worthy of a life. I want to live inside a movie and have everything work out perfectly, not just because there will be a strong yet insightful protagonist ready to catch me when I fall and tell me everything will be alright, but because I want, no, need to feel that complete faith in someone. I wish I could trust like they do in the movies, no matter how badly they have been hurt before they can still fall in to a K-hole of love. The last time I was blinded by love was almost ten years ago. I want it back. I want the all-consuming, all in, nothing else exists, dangerous love. Dizzy, sickening, fluttering, swooning, enveloping love.

I want to be someone you would be proud to know. I want to be someone you envy. I want to be someone you want to be friends with; I want to be able to be a friend. I don’t want peace as I know now that I can’t survive without turmoil. I don’t want to be a superstar. I am not asking for the world. I just want to be me, the me I should be…but I don’t deserve her yet and maybe I never will.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Excruciating Rapture

See me now;
Here I am, in all my naked glory.
How did this happen? How could I let myself get this grotesque?
Is it another form of torment and abuse for my sins, not mine specifically but those brought against me and made to believe they were mine?

See me now;
Here I am, in all my torment.
Why would this happen? Was I that despondent in those few months when I thought everything was painless and the only guilt that riddled me was that of manipulating the mind of a far too kind and generous man?

See me now;
Is this me, is this what I have become?
And if so, if this horrible reality is not just some fiction in my mind, then what to do? Go back to my old ways and bring up all the arguments? After all, it is the reason a dear one departed from me. Is this fair?
All but to gain vanity.

Hear me now;
In all my retribution.
Dare I do this? I dare not. Dare I speak of this? I dare not. This is not me, is this me? This is not right...but then... 

This is not the life I intended.