Monday, 23 September 2013

A Life Once Lived

I try to picture his face in my mind.

I can't.

The things I used to know so well - the patterns his beard grew in, the shape of his earlobes, even the colour of his eyes are now lost in my memory.

This man that I knew as well as my own reflection is now a complete stranger. I look at his face in old pictures and all that remains is vague familiarity and regret.

I still love him, or at least the idea of him.

Our life together, our four years together has now broken down to humorous stories of a life once lived and a few phrases that we had created in partnership, rolling off my tongue from some imbedded muscle memory.

I closed the chapter on him almost immediately, unconsciously erasing him from myself in some vague effort to rid the pain of throwing our life together away. The regret is for who I was to him, and to myself.

I was a selfish child.

I wish I could go back armed with everything I now know, back to that life, back to that body, back to that Him.

I'm vulnerable.
I hate admitting that.

I wish I could remember the patterns his beard grew in, the shape of his earlobes, even the colour of his eyes.

I'm so sorry. 

Monday, 9 September 2013

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment when someone in America has your life and they are living it so much better than you are.

Okay, so I may be exaggerating a little but we're basically twins. I don't know what fate brought her in to my life but she has kinda changed my world. Her name is Jes.

I have never met this girl, I don't even know what her voice sounds like...but I don't need to. I know what her inner voice sounds like. I know what her morals are, I know where her compass points and what her hopes and fears are. This is the power of a blog. You invite someone in to experience your life, a window in to your mind and your soul.

Reading about her (frighteningly) awesome life made me feel two things:

1) This girl is exactly where I wanted to be at our age, she is dealing with life and that makes me so much more of a failure. Someone literally has almost the same issues as me and is still kicking ass at life, I suck.

2) I can't believe that I have stumbled upon someone so freaking kick ass! This girl, unlike so many others, has the balls to own her issues, deal with her life and spin it in to something worthy. This inspirational female is exactly who I needed to find to carry on my journey of discovery, recovery and publicity.

The first thought was because I'm not even close to being out the cycle of instinctual negative thinking but the second is where I really am. Just knowing that it can be done, and done with fucking style, makes this all a little more palatable. A woman needs good role models in her life and in a world where there is an inherent lack of them, I am exceptionally glad I found her.