Sunday, 28 April 2013

You Are Not An Island


  • 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year.

  • Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental health disorder in Britain.

My personal belief is that everyone has or will experience some form of mental health problem in their life. The only difference between my opinion and their fact - is the willingness of people to admit to it. We all know someone who grieves in an unhealthy way, turns to drink or drugs as a way to cope or simply loses their temper too easily. All of these things can be attributed to a mental health problem but people don't like admitting to things like that. We think it makes us weak.

I suffer from depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder (recently diagnosed) and M.E. I am not weak nor am I lazy.

It may sound cliché but I am not alone in my depression and neither are you. What ever mental health issue you have, you can be safe in the knowledge that you are not alone in it. Although sometimes you may want to feel special, like you have something all to yourself, like no one can ever feel the pain you're feeling or that no one understands you, I am here to set you straight. If depression makes you feel special then you have deeper problems than you think and you should seriously see someone. If you think that no one else in the world can feel like you or relate to you then you haven't been around the right people. We are out there, we are all out there.

Depression and anxiety can make you isolate yourself, it can make you feel like you are the proverbial island but once the mist clears, you can see that you are surrounded by many other islands...and I'm not sure where this is going but it's starting to sound a bit ridiculous... The point is, you're not alone. Get it?

Find a friend who isn't scared off by mental health, who doesn't suck the life out of you or make you feel weak or lazy for being depressed. Just having one person that you don't have to perpetually explain yourself to can make a world of difference. But, be aware of the amount of energy you're asking from them and in return try not to constantly harp on about your inner monologue, there are paid professionals to listen to that stuff. 

It's not rocket science, put out what you're willing to take back.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Warning: May Contain Flashing Images

My mind is always racing:

What if?
What will I do?
Why do I feel this way?
Is my mind open to all the possibilities as to why this is happening?
Oh God, what if I'm completely unaware?

It's extremely vexing. All I want to do is sleep.

Night-time is the most dangerous time for me, it's the most vulnerable time. I can go from fine to manic in just a few seconds.

There are two reasons why my mind is so plagued between the time of closing my eyes and drifting off.

The first is because during the day, I have tried to shut out all the things that have unsettled me. I have to do this because it is too much for me to process. It may sound strange but I am so sensitive to the suffering of the world (and myself, and those around me) that if I don't shut it out, it consumes me. RSPCA, NSPCC, starving children and overworked donkeys as well as the long list off issues posted on my news feed. It becomes overwhelming. So I blank as much out as possible but no matter how hard I try, it somehow seeps in to my subconscious and harasses me at night. That's when I can't shut out the noise and the flashing images in my head. I get so frustrated that I end up in a panic and I have to force myself awake and distract myself with something before I become inconsolable.

The second reason, in case the first wasn't bad enough, is that my mind likes to torture me with 'what if' and other ridiculous questions. My mind, I realise I am speaking of my mind as if it is a separate entity to me but as anyone with mental health issues will tell you, most of the time it is an uncontrollable beast that can become very destructive to itself. My mind creates scenarios, constructing every possible scene it can conceive until it finds the perfect one. It then gets disheartened by the notion that 'life just doesn't work that way' and proceeds to run every eventuality that could possibly lead up to that scene. Slightly insane, no? Usually it is just replaying moments, though. Usually the thing I am obsessing about has already happened and the reason I am obsessing about it is because I may not have handled it in the way I would have liked to.

I am fully aware that I worry too much, I am fully aware that I insanely over analyse everything and that is probably a deciding factor in my depression but I am taking steps to try and rework this.