Monday, 18 March 2013

The Definition Of Insanity Is

It's endless torture. 
That is all life is; stream of pain and disappointment. I can't shake this feeling, I had a good run but it has all gone back to the beginning.
Because they all let me down.
Because I let them hurt me.
Because I'm too weak to keep them out.
I can't be here, it's too manic. I can't live in this feeling, this state of being, it's uncontrollable. The resentment bubbles up again and I try, I've tried to forgive but there is too much hurt.
How can I forgive anyone if I cant forgive myself?
I blame myself for it all, it's my fault for being so weak, so naive. I let them in, I gave them access to all the things I held dear and watched as they burned it all to ashes. I stood and watched it and could do nothing, I was happy to let it happen because that is all I'm worth.

They have all taken a  piece of me, it adds up. Every snipe, every degradation, every time they let me down. I'm missing bits all over and there is nothing to fill the gaps but hate and resentment. I don't have good judgement, I am blind to the monsters. Why can everyone else see them except me? I trust my instinct and it is wrong, I shouldn't trust one damn person.
Had I died inside years ago then I wouldn't be in so deep now.

I am inside out, the inside is seeping out, breaking the bones of my masks and twisting their shadow in to something to fear, something to hate. I tried. I'm tired.

Tomorrow is another day but this one, this one is broken. This one is tainted, poisoned, dying. This one will end quickly.

You make me sick. 

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

You're Kind Of Amazing

A few weeks ago I read this post that kind of changed my world. It told us that we need to stop apologising for being our-fabulous-selves. It said a lot more than that but it got me thinking. Why are we a nation of overly polite, humble pie-eating-contest winners?

We aren't allowed to brag, if we do we are branded a show off, a loser, annoying or overcompensating for something else. I know there is a limit but there is a difference between saying "I'm doing really well in my job and can finally afford that new car" and "I just bought the new (pretentious car name and stats), it cost (obscene amount) and it's better than any car in the world!". The latter person is a total douche but why do we feel the need to hide our achievements so that we don't make other people feel bad? I'm not saying go out and hurt people but why hurt yourself, dull yourself down just to save the (very estimated) feelings of others?

The reason this post (kind of) changed my world was because this is something I have done my entire life. I haven't been able to find that line between bragging and humility. I was rarely rewarded for my achievements growing up, it just wasn't something we did in our house. This lead me to be overly needy when it came to approval and so I wanted to make a bigger deal out of my achievements which would amount to bragging. But I hated bragging, it made me feel cheap, dirty and a little bit used, so most of the time my achievements slipped by completely unnoticed.

I don't want to apologise for being educated.

I don't want to apologise for being quirky.

I don't want to apologise for being who I am.

Just because was a social chameleon does not make me fake.
Just because I have a few quirks does not make me a freak.
Just because I laugh at my own jokes does not make me a loser! Okay, even I admit the last one does make me a bit of a loser but do you know what? I am really okay with that.

Embrace yourself, whether you are quirky, brilliant, hilarious (if only to yourself) or just sweet vanilla because the minute we accept and relish all the parts of ourselves that we like, others will too. And the parts that we don't like? Explore why that part of yourself is deemed bad and work though it.

This is me.

I am erratic, romantic, eclectic, eccentric, quirky, and whole heartedly dramatic.

Who are you?