Monday, 22 October 2012

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Lissie

I have no trouble finding love but I have a lot of trouble staying in it. I can never seem to find the right person at the right time; in fact they all seem to enter my life at the exact wrong time.
The good loves, the ones that are safe. The adult ones that make you happy but may not necessarily be wildly passionate; they have been and gone through my extremely unstable years, through the years I was searching for who I am and why I am.
I have had the dangerous loves too. The ones that you never really know, the ones who can make you bipolar: they makes me happier than I’ve ever been…they makes me want to die. To someone who is already battling a mental health disorder, people like that can be more than dangerous.
Maybe I attract people that mirror my inner turmoil but then get scared when I see it played out.
Maybe they are all good ones and it is me who is wrong.
I’m not sure whether I believe that every relationship can be good as long as it is handled correctly or whether every relationship is automatically doomed because people are generally selfish.

I know that my obsessive-compulsive tendencies stem from not feeling in control of my own life. I know that I will always need some form of drama in my life to feel sane or I will start creating it for myself.  I know that I explain, as clearly as I can in any new relationship, that I am insane.
I know that they usually say they can handle it.
I know only 1% of them can.
The problem is, I expect other people to think the way I do. I expect more. I hold them too high.

The person I need has to be tolerant. They don’t need to understand mental illness; they just needs to understand my personal brand of crazy. They needs to understand that everything IS the end of the world to me. They should get sucked in to my world and want to create a new one with me. I live in a movie in my head (I am aware of how crazy this sounds but this isn’t the blog of a sane girl) and this movie is ready for the protagonist to enter.

This, selfishly, is my world and if they want to be part of it then they need to be able to adapt, as I will. This sounds incredibly strange, especially to me as I have very little self-confidence (as evident from my previous choice of lovers) but this is how I have always felt. The problem is, I am gullible. Someone comes along and promises me the world; they promise me they can handle me, they can deal with anything I throw at them. I believe all of their lies. 
I have the courage to dictate what I want but I lack the conviction to make sure I get it.

I know what I should do but doubt always changes my mind. I am immeasurably indecisive. This is often my downfall.