Monday, 16 November 2015

“If A Writer Falls In Love With You, You Can Never Die.” Mik Everett

This is a nothing post. A trail of thoughts that have no significance, or at least no premeditated one. This is a purge, an ending of the procrastination...for this month at least. This is not worth your time.

I’ve been escaping a lot these past few months. My paranoia has been at an all time high. I’ve been taking photos of cars sat outside my house because I’m convinced they’re watching me. I’m convinced someone is always watching me, ready to invalidate me and turn everyone against me. I literally know this is my mental illness, I am fully aware of how ill I am getting but being aware clearly doesn’t mean I have any more control over it than if I wasn’t. Or maybe it does? Maybe it would be worse if I was unaware, I’d have been lost in it then? It’s just speculation.

It’s no secret that when I feel out of control of my life, or the circumstances that are happening in it, I try to control it more. It’s something that I know about myself, and I have tried to implement things to stop it from getting to the scary stage where my impulse control goes out the window and I try to put a knife in my leg. So, I play The Sims. I am thirty and I play The Sims. I probably should be ashamed of that but I’m not. A simulation that I can control entirely, that lets me play out a life I wanted to live or create one I couldn’t dream of is incredibly therapeutic. The only problem is that when it is coupled with my ‘binge’ personality then I can lose days, weeks, even months to it. Eventually I’ll get bored and not touch it for years but that just seems to be who I am. I’m a binger. I binge watch stuff, I binge friendships, and relationships, I binge eat, I used to binge drink and smoke… I guess I can’t really do anything if I don’t do it to excess. I’m super impatient, if I have to wait I get bored or lose interest. I am ‘all in’ on something for a while but then will be fine with it not existing for a while. I can’t even imagine how frustrating that is for the people in my life. I guess I’m seen as fickle, flaky, maybe even impetuous. I can see it.

I am a bad friend. I can be shockingly bad with communication. I feel like I have nothing to say to people or they don’t respond correctly* to the things I do say and then that makes me want to talk even less. I’m fairly good in person, or at least I think I am, and I have had periods where I’ve been great at keeping in contact with friends or family but that always ends, and months later I will remember that we were once friends that spoke all the time and now we barely like each other’s statuses. That makes me sad. 

I’m sorry I’m so fickle, or that I reject you before you reject me. If we were once friends, I’m sorry. 

I haven’t forgotten you. 

*This is subjective and dependant on my mood.