Saturday, 5 September 2015

Fermenting In Disquietude

Insomnia: the lack of vital Sleep.

See, it's not that I am unable to obtain The Sleep, if it wasn't for the chatter, the anxiety, and the fears, then sleep would come swiftly. I know it would, it couldn't not with how rapidly my energy levels deplete. It's just that my mind won't LET me obtain The Sleep.

I check my phone religiously, praying to the social media Gods for an article that will engage me enough, that will quiet my disordered mind for awhile; but inevitably my eyes are too heavy to process the arrangement of pixels on the screen.

I lay in the darkness, there's nothing to do but look around. My eyes begin to adjust to the luminescent stars arranged on my ceiling - all in symmetrical patterns except the new additions by the window that are the constellation of my star sign. They remind me of an unfulfilled childhood wish, though they always make me smile. They remind me of being outside when I am confined to my pillow-y prison. Gazing at the night sky isn't something I can do often anymore, both anxiety and physical ability have seen to that.

My room seems so sinister at night, even under the comforting glow of the faux galaxy. Creepy black corners, uneasy creaks, and dancing shadows all feed my primitive fear. My body stiffens with every sensory event. Luckily, the direct result of that is pain, and that takes my mind in a new direction.

I begin to think about how my bedroom is slightly different now, the extra pain comes from putting my bedroom back together after building work, but not exactly the same way, a few small changes. Usually I don't cope well with change but I completely understand the necessity of it. Like when you cut your hair after a break up, it allows you to think differently. You no longer have to think the same way because you're not the same person. My room is different now, all the bad dreams, the intrusive thoughts, and the old insomnia has been cleansed by the new arrangement. Only, negativity is like mould. If untreated, it always comes back no matter how many times you paint over it.

I am never happier than when my life plays out like a scene in a movie. I like to make the sadness romantic, but in the end, no amount of LO-FI can conceal the fact that it is just sadness.

Insomnia: the pursuit of Sleep. I never was one for hunting.